Christmas Blues

Since I have become an adult, Christmas has been a bittersweet time of year that creates excitement and anxiety for me. Because I have a 10 year old daughter, I want to make Christmas magical and beautiful like my experience as a child with Christmas. As an adult, I have lost many people I love around Christmastime, and I see the struggle of gift giving financially and in time.

First, the sweet part. The lights that twinkle in the dark as you drive through the streets of your city. The people who are more than generous this time of year — giving to those less fortunate, giving to loved ones, and giving to friends and coworkers. This thoughtfulness brings me joy. I plan carefully for sweet and small gifts for teachers, coworkers, and friends. I almost always handmake these gifts. My daughter’s happiness when she sees the Elf on the Shelf move and her presents under the tree on Christmas morning. The yummy treats that we allow ourselves on the holidays. Sweetness doesn’t get much better than that.

The bitter part of the holiday for me is the nasty consumerism that forces people to feel obligated to give whether they can or not. In the United States, we all have more than we all need, and yet, we still feel it necessary to give more. Instead of participating in this gifting of consumerism, my husband and I have set a very specific limit for buying “things” for each other and our daughter. Instead, we are trying to give the gift of “experiences”. While this still costs money, it is generally more local, makes memories, and gives us an opportunity to spend quality time together.

While not necessarily bitter, but just a bit of sadness during the holidays. Christmas reminds me of the family I have lost — whether through death or through estrangement. I also think about friends who have chosen not to stay in touch, and I allow myself sadness. Christmas exacerbates this because we are such a small family. We have friends who fill in as family on these occasions. It helps. It’s not always the same, though. It’s hard because I miss my father. I miss my grandfather. I miss the idea of a sister I wish I had. On a more positive note, I have reconnected with an aunt and uncle with whom I hope to continue building a relationship. Human connection is at the heart of the holidays, and many don’t have this. I hope we are all able to reach out and connect with people who care. We must believe that we are all here for each other in some small way.

While some of this post is deeply personal, we all have experiences during the holidays that leave us joyful, sad, and bitter. These are a few of mine, and they have definitely been at the heart of my art lately, too. The time that it takes to create as well as the feelings and emotions that go along with it give me reason for pause. I’m grateful for all of these experiences that have made me whole. I hope that I can continue to make meaningful connections in my life.

Hoping you all have a Happy Holiday — wherever you are and whatever you are going through. Remember that we all have our own versions of the holidays. I hope whatever you are going through, you are able to find the light and gratitude in it.

~Kris Joie